Adult-ish

Dear diary,

I’ve been a little girl in a woman’s body for a while and personally that whole thing has been hell.

When my parents first dropped me off at uni I was so scared, all alone with new faces all around me and at the time everyone else looked like adults to me and that made me feel out of place so much, I didn’t know what I was doing, I had zero social skills after being raised sheltered all my life and by the end of that week I got home from class and cried.

Uni was a very strange place to me and not at all like what they said it was going to be in the movies (by now you should have figured I thought my life was going to be exactly how it went in the movies) ,I made no friends and just walked behind anyone I thought was going to the next class, suddenly I could do whatever I wanted but the thing was I didn’t even know what that was at the time because It had never been my decision before then, it didn’t matter what you asked fresher me

“Do you want to jump off this building with me?”

Me: “okay yes”

Well…maybe not that extreme but you understand what I mean. I was broke all the time because I had an allowance suddenly and I could buy whatever I wanted(usually food), I could go to parties but with zero social skills I learned that you either knew how to dance and actually have fun or go home if you were just going to stand around watching people like a creep, I learnt you could either go to class or not cause nobody’s checking you…well trust that that didn’t go so well, I learned that dating was exactly how it was in the movies though(mostly the bad aspects like cheating and domestic and emotional abuse and whatnot), I also learnt that my top priority was to mind my Business and not judge people because “can never be me” can suddenly be you 100 times.

I was suddenly an individual person out and alone in another town away from my parents and at first I didn’t even know what that meant (actually I went clubbing my first few days in and my parents got called, total shit show, it was terrible and I was sloppy in covering my tracks of course because obviously “freshman” duh!), I didn’t meet my “group” immediately like I thought I would and while I thought we were going to be friends forever none of us talk now due to differences we have(they didn’t show that part in the movie or books), I didn’t even know where to go or what to do without someone suggesting something to me…I was constantly worrying about how everyone else seemed to have their shit together but I didn’t and then having to go to the doctor or dentist all by myself?! (I didn’t sign up for that part)

Eventually I let a lot of unnecessary circumstances shape me, but I learnt both the easy way and the hard way and now 3 years later I’ve become a person, not necessarily a better person but a good one nonetheless. I’ve grown into myself and I’m grateful for the experiences I’ve had, the people I’ve met along the way, the “good, bad and the ugly” as they say (of course my parents don’t appreciate that I can talk now after all these years of them being the ones making decisions but they’ve done enough of that now). It’s been a rollercoaster these past few years and I just can’t help but appreciate where I am now

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I know who I am( mostly), and what I want(also mostly), my potential (one hundred percent), where I want to be and how to get there (kind of?)

I’m glad and right now, all I can feel is gratitude. So thank you to the friends I’ve made along the way,the ones I no longer have and the ones I do have, fuck my uni though, I hated being here every day but it was my only home from home so, and I thank myself most importantly because I’ve been the one who’s had my own back since the day I got to this planet called earth so yes, thank you ME for sticking it through all the time we’ve wanted nothing more but to quit, hopefully I’ll read this years from now and still feel the same way.

Goodnight diary.